Lil sumpthin-sumpthin for my girls: Matthew McConaughey

Ladies, Matthew McConaghey is shirtless. You can thank me for photoshopping my body in the place of his later.

Paris BUSTED!

After leaving the Virgin Megastore last night around10:30pm, Paris Hiton was pulled over by Hollywood police after speeding down Sunset Blvd. without headlights. Once it was discovered that she was driving with a suspended license, her 2007 Bentley Continental GTC convertible was impounded.

Here's the good part: if it's to be determined if the suspended license was a result of her reckless (ie DRUNK) driving conviction last month Paris just violated her probation which means she very likely will be heading to prison. Awesome.

I don't know why the thought of Paris in prison makes me feel all tingly inside...but I'll tell you - it's the same kind of butterflies I feel when I write Jessica Simpson letters, send Jessica my hair and semen samples, update my Jessica blog and the feeling I get when I hide in her closet whispering 'yooooou waaaaaaanntttt whhhhat I gooooooooot Jeessssicaaaaaa YOU WANT IT......'.

Victoria Beckham goes blond!

Posh is blond now? Wow, I haven't been this excited since I went for that ride on the Millennium Falcon! Slow gossip day? Yep!

Jennifer Love Hewitt is not too bad

Well well well...looks like someone dropped a few pounds to squeeze into their Oscar dress this weekend. Either that or this never happened and what you see above is nothing but a hand-drawn picture of a hot large-chested girl at the Oscars...a sexy hand drawn picture...like the ones of MacGyver I used to do in the 6th grade.

John Travolta is totally straight

Uh - what the hell is going on here? John Travolta either looks like he belongs on a Gay Pride float or else as one of my lawn ornaments (you know, for my garden of delights and wonders...). Who does he think he's fooling, not me, I have a PHD in sexual orientation...or children's literature...I can't remember..

Gwen Stefani topless

Radio station Edge 102.1 in Toronto have uncovered a classic (nay, not classy) pic of Gwen Stefani topless. I'm not going to candy coat it, it's not pretty - just when I thought that trolls where make-believe my eyes get raped by this monstrosity. Let me put it this way - looking at this picture turned me gay. Flat out raging GAY..Travolta-gay!

Hold onto your hats and check out the uncensored NFSW image HERE.

Final Oscar update of the night

Well it's Helen, Forrest for acting. Martin Scorcese for directing. And for best picture it's The Departed.

I'm just glad it's done - now I can finally go to bed on that big pile of money with my 7 asian hookers.

Oscar: half time update

One of my favorite movies, Little Miss Sunshine, is doing much better then I anticipated. However, for the billionth year in a row I'm a tad pissed these are going on so late, not to mention I'm not enjoying the fact that this booze will be catching up with me tomorrow morning at work. Ah well, I'm too lazy to post more winners, so check it out HERE.

Oscar coverage: best looking chick of the night...

...Is Reese Witherspoon. I would totally hit her, only if she wouldn't be so disgusted that I'm more then just a man...yes, I'm not only just a massively well hung man but I am also HALF MACHINE! Oh God, these drinks are going down too easy...stay tuned for more coverage.

Oscar winner update - Little Miss Sunshine

Good to see Alan Arkin win, however, I was kinda rooting for the pedophile in Little Children, you know...to make me look less weird. The whole 'tree trunk' fetish has been tough to overcome.

Winner so far:

Supporting Actor - Alan Arkin

Art Direction - Pan's Labyrinth

Makeup - Pan's Labyrinth

Short Film (animated) - The Danish Poet (Yay Canada Film Board!)

Short Film (live action) - West Bank Story

Sound Editing - Letters from Iwo Jima

Sound Mixing - Dream Girls

p.s. I'm 4 for 7 in my picks. Those bitches at the office have no idea what's coming.

Oscars: Anne Hathaway

Annie is by far the worst dressed. It looks like she stole this dress off of a dead Chippendale dancer, dry cleaned it and added a bow. And by 'dead Chippendale dancer' I mean she stole it from me.

Oscars: Beyonce

Uh - is Beyonce doing a lunge here? Secondly, my grandma called and wants her curtain back.

Oscars: Jennifer Hudson wears tinfoil

Jennifer Hudson looks like she should be floating outside of the international space station repairing the bbq. I'm so not about this dress and I'm so about having another drink.

More more more Academy Awards

Cameron Diaz brings a whole new definition to the word 'fug'. I can't believe they let her get into the Oscars - I'd assume scientists would be tracking her, taking hair samples for DNA and putting plaster in her footprints. And aren't all her picture supposed to come out blurry? Damn, it looks like she was bitten by that monkey from 'Outbreak'

Academy Awards: the Travoltas

Who is wearing the animal here? Kelly Preston on her body or John Travolta on his head? Damn that thing has got to itch.

Academy Awards coverage continues

Well I've downed a bottle of red, 2 whiskeys and now onto my bottle of white. What am I wearing? Not Oscar, Versace or Ralph, most likely Nike.

Well I have a few comments. What the hell is with Jennifer Hudson's tinfoil frock, is she auditioning for Independence Day II? Anyone else notice Jessica Biel's boobs are ice cold? Because I sure didn't. Why didn't J-Lo mention that she is preggers? Is it the booze or is Helen Miren looking hot? Is Penelope Cruz wearing feathers? When is Jodie Foster getting her sex change operation (Because it seems the testosterone has been doing it's trick)?

Oscar coverage all night

Keep us bookmarked for your Academy Awards coverage all night. I'll be all over the Oscar wire like Ted Haggard on a male masseuse or like Michael Jackson in a kiddie pool or Anna Nicole on a case of Slim Fast and crystal meth.

Check back often, if I stay sober it'll be great - a little too much wine and I'll be too busy drunk dialing ex-girlfriends to keep up to date. Wait and see my sexy beasts, wait and see.

Neve Campbell: would you still hit it?

Here is Neve at the Haven House Oscar Suite on Friday looking pretty man-ish. Back in her Party of Five days I thought she was hittable, but not any more. I'm thinking she's looking more like Skippy from Family Ties then the hot piece of ace she was 10 years ago. I think I'd rather have 9 1/2 weeks of hot and scalding pizza sex with the Domino's Noid then even consider making out with this chick. Bleh.

Patricia Heaton in a see-thru top

Patricia Heaton showed up to the opening night of the Los Angeles production of Wicked without her bra on in a see-through top. I just assumed after the age of 45 women's breast just fell off. I mean they can't be interested in sex can they? I just figured they just wanted a good set of steak knives or pot holders.

More pics of her boobs here and here.

Mischa Barton drives while high

Mischa Barton must be dulling the pain from a terrible fatal disease....of perhaps trying to forget about her career. But let's not come to any conclusions, maybe she's just rehearsing for an After-School Special about smoking weed and driving called 'The OD'. Please, I'm hungover, that's the best I can do.

Lindsay Lohan skips her dad's and grandfather's funeral

After Robert Altman died last November, Lindsay Lohan released a certainly drug-fulled statement saying that he "was the closest thing to my father and grandfather that I really do believe I've had in several years." She followed up those touching words by skipping his memorial service Tuesday and instead going out to party in Los Angeles with Steve O.

Alright, it's time for Britney and Lindsay to seriously have a fight to the death. These two f-tards to seriously have to kill each other before any young girl even attempts to emulate either of them. Of course, then I'd have nothing to write about - and this would become a site about volunteerism, prohibition and sex with animals. Sit Ubu Sit!

Britney Gone Wild!

Britney went to K-Fed's pad around about 7 pm last night and rang the bell at his gate three times with no answer. What we see here is once Britney could not get in she went insane and attacked some photographers with an umbrella. Yep, AN UMBRELLA. The day I totally snap I'm hoping my weapon of choice is not a damn umbrella - I mean, who the hell does she think she is? The Penguin?

For more pictures, details and video of the event click HERE.

Deathwatch 2007: Britney attempted suicide twice this past weekend

Now that K-Fed will probably get the kids, I'm assuming attempt #3 will be tomorrow morning. It's being reported that:

'Terrified she'd lose custody of her sons, Britney tried to kill herself twice in the hours after shaving her head Friday night. According to The National Enquirer, Spears tried to take her own life by walking into traffic, only to be rescued at the last second by her staff. But that wasn't the end of Britney's self-destructive evening. A short time later she was rushed to a doctor, as various media outlets reported, and the Enquirer reveals the reason - she kept saying she was going to kill herself and then taking too many Xanax.'

At this moment I'm sure Britney is carefully working out a courtroom strategy with her lawyer to ensure that a careful and rational resolution is met in time to save her kids and bank account. And by that I mean, she's probably high as a kite talking to a toaster about how under-rated the Mini-Pops where. I hate to say it, but this girl's days are numbered.

Read more about about Britney's emotional roller-coaster of fun HERE.

K-Fed files an injunction

You have to be kidding me, this is getting weirder and weirder by the hour. Just this evening Kevin Federline has filed an emergency injunction to get his kids! A hearing is scheduled for tomorrow morning.

I got to be honest with you, at this moment I have to side with K-Fed. Anna Nicole's drugged-up corpse would be a better mom at this moment. I wouldn't trust Britney with my bag of Cheetos let alone any children.

Check back for additional updates.

Britney has LEFT rehab again, deathwatch 2007 back on

TMZ is confirming that Britney has checked out of Promises after 24 hours. This her second rehab stint which has lasted less then a day.

Now EXTRA is reporting that Britney attempted to go to a tattoo parlor this morning after leaving rehab but couldn't find one that was open.

Additional updates pending - along with the headline 'Britney has OD'd' or 'Oops she did it again'

Tyra "Chubs" Banks re-creates history

In honor of Black History Month, Tyra Banks celebrated the 10th anniversary of her being the first black model appear on the cover of SI Swimsuit Issue (ah yes, I remember it well...). She recreated the photos while wearing the same swimsuit using the same photographers however I'm assuming the buffet was probably at bit larger this time around.

I'm going to be honest - this has less to do with 'black history' and more to do about Chubsy McFat-Bottoms Banks herself and her ego. Ever since she put on all that weight, then starved herself and made that big scene on her show I've lost any respect I've had for her. Her desperate need to prove herself has become so bad that she now feels the need to photoshop the hell out of her body to look like she did ten years ago (check the 'making of' video HERE).

If they did the amount of photoshop on a picture of me that they did on her shoot they could totally give me a zebra head and the body of Desi Arnaz Jr and it would still look more realistic then her bikini body. She's got some 'splaining to do!

Lindsay out of rehab, making up for lost time

The Sun UK is reporting that Lindsay Lohan has officially left her 30 day rehab stint as of last Friday and was immediately spotted at her regular haunts (Winston's and Teddys) partying until 4am. Lindsay's publicist says:

'Lindsay has finished her stay at Wonderland and will continue the program as an outpatient.'

What the hell program was she in anyway? She could have gotten better rehab in an alley somewhere in Bangkok or at a Ms. Hooters competition. This chick is out of control - there are frat boy pledges who drink less then her! Actually that's not a good example, because those frat parties have been so lame lately thanks to that craggy old dean shutting us down.....oh he makes me so mad! I'll get you dean!

Britney, drugs and haircuts

Extra has sheds some light on why Britney might have shaved her head. Apparently K-Fed threatened to have her hair tested for drugs on Friday night. So Britney did what any other deadbeat mom would have done, she got scared and shaved it all off.

Uh - I hate to see what she does when they threaten her with a urine sample. Read more HERE.

Britney back in rehab - death watch extended a few more days

Bat-shait insane Britney Spears has checked into an in-patient facility in Los Angeles today after being pressured by her mom, family and perhaps also her hair-dresser. Last week she checked herself into a rehab facility in Antigua but checked out less than 24 hours later. A rep for Britney says:

'Britney Spears has voluntarily checked herself into an undisclosed rehab facility today. We ask that the media respect her privacy as well as those of her family and friends at this time.'

I never thought she'd do it - I think she has finally acted crazy enough to make K-Fed look like the dependable family man. The only way he can make her look sane is probably changing his name to Galacticus and start riding a cosmic donkey while swallowing all the planets in the solar system like they were Cheetos. And by the way things have been going recently the chances of that happening is a good 50/50.

Tara Reid prank call

An audio file has surfaced of some random guy who got Tara's cell number and prank called her. This kind of stuff is such classic comedy, like pie fights, slipping on banana peels and amputating body parts to sell on eBay.

Honestly, I figure this chick is so wasted 24/7 that every call to her must sound like a prank call. Check the prank call HERE (warning: the site you're being driven to is slightly NSFW)

J-Lo's new album cover

Yuck. Perhaps she should start a group and call them 'the Manikins' because she's really starting to look like one. Either that or 'the Cadavers' she looks like a corpse all done up for a viewing. Trust me, I know what a corpse looks like, I used to work in a funeral home...well, until 'the incident' where I kind of met that really cute dead girl and proceeded to cut my finger and write 'Best Friends Forever' in blood all over the coffin. The glitter hearts, scratch 'n sniff stickers and rainbows where a great touch too. And let it be known that I only got fired 'cause those jerks don't understand love and romance...love and romance or rainbows..

Where was I? More J-Lo news here.

Britney's hair for sale

The site is down (probably the servers can't handle the traffic) but if it comes back, you can bid to buy the hair Britney Spears shaved off Friday night. Buybritneyshair.com says:

This is it, the opportunity of a lifetime. You can be the proud owner of Britney Spears' hair, extensions, the Omega clipper used to cut it all off and even the can of Red Bull she was drinking at the time. You also get her blue Bic Lighter and this valuable domain and website to use for publicity purposes. This is the Ultimate Britney Spears Experience! It is a piece of history that can not be duplicated!A portion of the proceeds will be donated to various charities. The winner will have the choice to remain anonymous or to use this for publicity purposes. If you are SERIOUS about purchasing please do the following: Please send an email to buybritneyshair@yahoo.com and include your name, company name (if applicable), email, phone number, and address. We will contact you A.S.A.P. Any submissions that do not include ALL of the required information will be discarded.

I can't believe the excitement this is causing - people freak out over the littlest things, like the time I thought I had stigmata and then it ended up just being dry skin. That was a loooooong 6 hours of healing old ladies and curing AIDS.

Germans hate Jennifer Lopez

Jennifer Lopez was met with boos following the screening of her most recent film, 'Bordertown,' at the Berlin Film Festival.

What? Germans do things to hurt people? Anyone that can make that stuck-up diva J-Lo cry is aces in my book, they ought to put every German in that theater on their own stamp. Heck, I'm willing to learn to speak German and cover myself in deep-fried schnitzel batter if they can make her stop signing and acting for good. Ja!

The train wreck that is Britney continues

This is really getting to be fun! Britney's partying is continuing regardless of her breakdown earlier this weekend.

Sunday afternoon, Britney was spotted without her kids at the Mondrian Hotel in Los Angeles.
Wearing a bikini and a wig, chain smoking and partying with her friends. Then in the evening Britney and her entourage headed to the Roxy nightclub in West Hollywood for a friend's birthday party the onto the Polo Lounge in Beverly Hills for some more partying. One clubber who saw Britney last night says:

'While she was in the club she kept going to bathroom all the time, which was weird.'

This is getting out of hand, by the end of this week she'll be boxing kangaroos in the alley for cigarette money - either that or dead. It's 50/50 at best.

A lil sumpthin' for my ladies: Brad Pitt

I'm not going to be a jealous bastard as usual here - but you have to admit they must have done a ton of photoshop on this bad boy to make him look this good. The man recently has been looking so tired he's starting to look less like the sexiest man alive and more like Angelina Jolie's 90 year old helper monkey. A wondrous and arousing helper-monkey...

Nicole Richie charged with DUI

Nicole Richie was charged with a DUI for when she was arrested in December for driving the wrong way on the freeway in her SUV. And since she had a prior misdemeanor DUI conviction in 2003 she could face a sentence of 90 days to a year in jail, a fine between $390 and $1,000, and a suspension of driving privileges.

I'm more concerned about how they are going to keep her in her cell if she's jailed. She weighs like 90 lbs, she could totally slip through the bars and elude police by turning sideways and disappearing. You got to sentence this chick to 90 days in a locked box or possibly a P.O. Box, because those are so darn convenient for me when I'm babysitting.

Marissa Miller's past may surprise you

Sport Illustrated Swimsuit Issue mainstay Marissa Miller didn't always have the most credible jobs in the world. It's been recently revealed that she actually started her career as a nude model for such magazines as 'Perfect 10' (think 'Good Housekeeping' but EVEN sexier).

I'm not going to hold her nude modeling past against her, I'm a fairly understanding guy. As long as she doesn't hold my acting roles in snuff films against me, back when I was simply known as 'The Horny Horseman of the A-cock-calypse'.

Check out her uncensored NSFW pictures, thank me later. Pic #1, pic #2, pic #3, pic #4, pic #5, pic #6.

Lindsay Lohan is out of rehab

On the heels of Britney's breakdown, Lindsay Lohan has checked herself out of Wonderland following a 30-day program. And by '30-day program' I think they're referring to the 30 hours she actually spent there smoking cigarettes and gang-banging the therapists. Her rep said:

'She will continue as an outpatient. She will take it day by day. She's in it for the long haul, and she asks that her privacy be respected.'

I think we all know what's going to happen next, she'll hit the town tonight, take a sip of her first post-rehab drink and before we know a few vodka sodas later she'll be a homeless meth addict on the corner of the street babbling and screaming out passages from Mein Kampf. Just like in the after-school specials. It's Hitler-riffic!

More Britney Spears breakdown pics

Move over Kojak, I've got a new addition to the spank bank. Yech.

Britney Shears

Looks like the curtains finally match the carpet. Britney "Professor X" Spears' breakdown continues as she's now shaven her head, gotten a few new tattoos and essentially just about gone f'ing nuts.

This chick has just jumped ahead of Lindsay Lohan in my celebrity death pool, apparently she's been babbling incoherently, spend just 24 hours in rehab, and won't let anyone touch her. So essentially she now acting like any of my last 3 girlfriends. Read more about her insane breakdown HERE, and check back at PopCulturePundit for updates.

Katherine McPhee works at a barber shop

Oh how she's fallen. With Jennifer Hudson on the cover of Vogue this month here we have fellow Idol Katherine McPhee showing up at a RAZOR event to shave some dude's nuts (or something like that).

I think the average person on the street would recognize the top ten of Who's Who of Victorian Cinema before they even nod in the direction of this has-been. Well, it can't be all bad, maybe for her next gig I can hire her to shave my back - I know my rippling muscles are under there somewhere....and the end result is sure to be SEXY!

Jesus, Ghandi, MLK and ....Madonna??

Madonna (whose ego has no bounds) told Sirius radio in an interview on Wednesday that she is modeling her life on leaders like Martin Luther King, Gandhi and Jesus Christ. She said:

'For me we all need to be Jesus in our time. Jesus' message was to love your neighbor as yourself, and these are people in need. I hope that people got that message...Of course some people thought 'Oh, she's just being controversial, she's just getting on a cross and trying to piss people off,' but that wasn't my intention at all...I want to be like Gandhi and Martin Luther King and John Lennon - but I want to stay alive.'

She wants to be like Jesus now? Does that mean we can crucify her? Andy Dick is closer to becoming the 'Jesus-MLK-Ghandi-Lennon' Hybrid then Madonna ever would and he's a total douche. Every time this woman opens her mouth the more retarded the crap that comes out becomes - especially the 'but I want to stay alive' comment. I'm sure in her world Jesus was an astronaut in an elite star fighter unit who went by the call sign 'Captain Awesome' - but if that were true, who WOULDN'T want to be Jesus? JESSSSSUS!!

Eva Mendes in GQ

I've never wanted a wheel barrel ride so bad like I do now! Check out Eva Mendes in her British GQ spread looking hot as ever - sure the wheel barrel she's sitting nude in may be rusty and gross - but a rusty wheel barrel is always just one step away from the rusty trombone!

More of Eva in a zebra bikini, in a white swimsuit and finally topless and dressed like a matador. Happy Valentine's Day!

More Brits: Hugh Grant actually might be cool

In an interview with CBS news regarding his new movie 'Music & Lyrics' Hugh actually said something that made me think that he's not such a huge British poof after all;

Appropriately, the movie opens on Valentine's Day, a day Grant said can reap huge rewards if a man knows how to play it right. 'I remember one Valentine's Day ago sending a huge bunch of flowers to this girl and instantly regretting it,' he said. 'But ... it worked so well. Girls are easy. Really easy.'

Damn right Hugh. My luck on Valentine's Day never seems to go as well. Like the time I tried to re-create the St Valentine's Day Massacre through dance and spoken word for my girl, or the time I got bought women's lingerie...who was I to know that men buy that stuff for the women and aren't supposed to wear it themselves...um, wearing it while doing coke with a dwarf, ah, and a donkey...

Back to my usual tradition I guess, Jack Daniels and crying myself to sleep...Happy Valentine's Day!

More Robbie Williams news

Seems Robbie is the new Anna Nicole, check out some of the details of his life of excess:

- The singer finds it impossible to get to sleep until 4 or 5am due to insomnia and is on sleeping pills.

- He is hooked on the powerful and controversial anti-depressant Seroxat, which has been linked to suicidal tendencies in teenagers.

- And daily he gets through an incredible 36 super-strength double espresso coffees, 60 Silk Cut cigarettes and around 20 cans of energy drink Red Bull.

- His LA mansion has cabinets full of prescription drugs.

What shocks me the most is they diagnose this man with 'insomnia' - he drinks 20 cans of Red Bull a day! That's not insomnia, it's a caffeine high. If I drank that many Red Bulls I'd be so messed up I'd finally be able to sit through that Family Ties marathon I've always been talking about. And if you take enough Seroxat, Tina Yothers actually starts talking to you - in Klingon!

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