popculturepundit

Faking my own death?

2007-11-02T23:38:00.000-05:00

Well, as you may (or most likely may not) have noticed, posts have been few and far between over the last few fortnights. Well, there is a great reason for that and it has very little to do with my parole officer. It seems I've been a busy boy, a guilty boy and a traveling boy. Why? How? What equals 9? Where are my pants?

I'm currently out of the country and far from a "electro-box" (or "computer" as the laymen call it) so I've not been able to post. Not only am I busy, but I'm also feeling a bit of the guilt presented in the above posted video as well. How funny is it when people are hurt? I don't know, but I do know one thing, I can't hear the laughter anymore. Any by 'laughter' I mean 'the burning' and by 'hear' I mean 'pee.'

Regardless, I'm on the road and will not be posting too much for a bit. The site is still alive, but just not as often as you would like. Keep reading, I'll post about my travels and keep you in the loop as much at I can.

Email me HERE is you miss me just too f'ing much.

Zac Efron needs a haircut

2007-10-23T22:26:00.000-05:00

Ok, be honest with me, is my site becoming overly obsessed with 'the gays'? I mean, it seems my last few hundred posts have been nothing less then 'who is gay' and 'who looks the gayest' - I'm starting to feel like I'm overcompensating here.

If I call Zac Efron gay, does that mean I'm secretly hiding something....something fruity? And if that's the case, will the culmination of all of the world's women's cries be deafening once they find out?

We'll see. Until then, Zac Efron is gay. No doubt in my mind. Need proof, just look at his hair; it's Jennifer Aniston from 1994. I'm hearing the Friends song in my head right now and it makes me hate him....of course, I hate him more for making High School Music 18: Back to School. How do I know? My timemachine told me so. Beep-beep.

Even the gays date girls

2007-10-23T22:13:00.000-05:00

Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon were photographed holding hands as they got off of a plane yesterday reports OK! Magazine. The magazine also reports they were kissing while leaving the plane.

Wow. Movie bombs = set up the stars, no matter how gay he or she may be. This seems to be the formula now days in Hollywood. But this about it, if they did this in the 1970s Fonzie would never would of have to jump the shark for ratings, he could have just started banging Joanie. Genius! I should get a 3 picture deal for that!

New Spice Girls music

2007-10-21T16:53:00.000-05:00

If you like crap, you're in luck....the new Spice Girls single is here! Listen to it now. I'll be honest, I've never wanted to be deaf more then I wanted to now.

Mike Myers is gay

2007-10-21T11:48:00.000-05:00

When not killing men with her good looks and saving the world from fat chicks, Pop Culture Pundit reader Magda dropped me a pretty sweet tip regarding Mike Myers when she saw him in Toronto recently. Seems he's gayer then the Gay Train traveling through Gay Town on Gay Day. Gay. Really, gay. Gay-gay.

First let's go over what we know: Myers is overly sensitive (watch any interview), constantly speaks about his love for his father and his quest to please him even in death (Freud has a lot to say about that), had a long marriage with no kids where he seemed more into being bff's with his mother in law then his wife, idolizes hockey players to a very odd degree for a man his age, has a gay brother and has a memberships to the 'Anal Beads of the Month Club' (ok, so I made that last one up).

Now here's what I've just found out: Scarborough native Myers was just in Toronto to see his beloved Leafs play last week, but that's not all he did. Seems our reader spotted Myers on what can only be described as a 'man-date' - well, who knows what it was, but when you're sitting in the corner of a dark restaurant with another man, stretching your arms across the table to touch hands and staring into his eyes - what else would you call it? Man-on-man love?

Thanks for the tip Magda! Mike is not going to be able to keep this under wraps very much longer. Well, unless of course he has some super gay-shielding power, which then would make it quite easy for him to hide it. In theory. But in theory Hilary Clinton is a woman. In theory.

Heidi Montag is weird

2007-10-20T11:38:00.000-05:00

Here's a pic of Heidi Montag shooting a video for her recent single due to be released in Malibu. I guess if the single is called 'Get on your hands and knees make slutty moo-cow faces?' it makes a whole lot of sense- because otherwise the video is going to be way off. Kinda like the time I remade "Cop Killer" with my Christian rock band.

Britney's online dating now

2007-10-17T10:49:00.000-05:00

Just when she can't get any lower Britney has looked to that cruel, cruel bitch "The Internet" to help her find love. Seriously, I'm going out on a limb here and say that Britney Spears wrote this ad on the craigslist personals. Read it and try to tell me I'm wrong:

Hi guys. I've been feeling a little lonely recently and need a man to remind me I'm beautiful again. I'm not a BBW, but I have curves in all the right places ;) I've come across hard times where people judge me rather than understand I'm going through a very hard time in my life right now.

I need the stabilizing presence of a man again. I was once wildly in love, but that turned sour as our personalities clashed with each other. I'm really looking for a man that has a good head on his shoulders, a sense of humor and likes to go out. Let's just say I'm far more than stable financially, so I wouldn't need a man to support me.

I just need a kind man who won't judge me...Just a man that wants to love me and my two little boys. Then there some nights we should go out! Drive nice cars, go to clubs and restaurants. Live the good life. It's been so hard to find a man recently. Outside of being busy with my work, scrutiny and pressure have been getting to me. I need a man to help me get back on track.

This is classic, really. She's got curves in all the right places? Yea, so does Jabba the Hut. And two boys? Does she mean Ronald McDonald and Colonel Sanders - because based on how she's been looking those are the only two boys in her life. Gross. If anyone out there can get a date with Britney through this ad, let me know!

Derek Jeter spreads the love

2007-10-16T14:36:00.000-05:00

Derek Jeter, the New York Yankees shortstop who has given herpes to such Hollywood actresses as Jessica Alba, Scarlett Johansson, and Jessica Biel has been scoring left and right at Miami's Shore Club. Our friends at Page Six report that:

Our spy in the lobby of the Shore Club in Miami early Sunday morning spotted "two scantily clad women screaming at the front desk because they had spent the night at Jeter's penthouse and were then charged for parking." "The girls were wearing what looked like the same clothes they wore the night before - a tight cocktail dress and a mini-skirt. They were making a huge scene because they were asked to pay for parking. "Obviously, they'd spent the night there," giggled the onlooker, who noted that one of the overnight guests was screaming into the phone, "After last night, he'd better fucking take care of it!" After a bit of insistence, "they eventually left happy. I assume he paid for their parking after all," said our snitch."

Derek is making a big deal about paying for their parking? I certainly hope he paid for it, I mean TWO women at once? If a woman doesn't scream "don't touch me creep!!" I automatically ask her to marry me and give her my PIN number for all my bank cards. But that's just me, you know, the lonely guy who spend his Friday nights redecorating his underwear drawer in his wizard costume. Shazzam!

Jamie Presley's topless past

2007-10-16T13:23:00.000-05:00

Just when I thought organizing beauty pageants for my cats was the hottest thing ever, I come across these. Seems a few years back Jamie Presley was looking for a little cash and did some topless photos that have just been purchased by Ultra Magazine (and I'm sure that's short for Ultra Classy or Ultra Artsy) and are on display.

Check out the topless NSFW images HERE and HERE et ICI.

Jenna Jameson is also fug

2007-10-16T12:25:00.001-05:00

What is Jenna doing? When you look like a tanned version of Anne Frank after a week of SlimFast you need to stay indoors, not show off your emancipated ass on the runway. Really, it's making me full-out gay.

Not only that, but she's looking terrified in this pic as well - I'm thinking those drugs are starting to get to her, it's like she's thinking "Oh God! Oh God! It's only a matter or time before the Kool-Aid man jumps through the wall and kills us all!! Oh God!!" But let's be honest, who DOESN'T think that?

Hayden Panettiere is fugly

2007-10-16T10:51:00.000-05:00

Hayden really needs a new pair of sunglasses, honestly, she's like 2 steps away from turning into Fido Dido. I'm not quite sure what she's trying to do, maybe looking to become the next big trend setter? You know, kinda like Tiffany and legwarmers, The Hoff and hairy chests and me with both sexual organs. All trends people, all trends.

Eva Mendes in Maxim

2007-10-16T10:17:00.000-05:00

I've never been one to "ogle hot chicks" or "read magazine" or even "pay my child support on time" but after seeing half-naked pics of Eva Mendes in the new Maxim Magazine, I think I've been doing it wrong all these years. Yep, that's right...off to community college, there's a photography course calling my name! That is, as long as it doesn't interfere with my probationary hearings....or pottery course....

Keeping Up With The Kardashians is filthy

2007-10-15T21:08:00.000-05:00

Not that I watched any of this show, but I did find this clip pretty much sums up what I already thought - the Kardashians are simply a family of strippers and whores. I'll admit, this clip initially made me more moist then a delicious Joe Louis snack cake (and THAT'S moist). But then I saw the part where their 9 year old sister rocks the stripper pole better then most 'adult entertainers' - and the fact that the older Kardashians seem to condone it made it even more f'ed up.

Of course any time you wonder how a family could be this morally degenerate remember: their dad defended O.J. Which in my books is a step up from making out with Hitler's corpse.

Britney Spears shows us her world

2007-10-11T11:58:00.000-05:00

It seems like with Britney's custody battle , drug tests and general melt-down she just hasn't had the time to do what she's really good at...showing us her crotch. I mean, I hate to criticize her for this, I mean, I don't wear panties either - but that's because I'm a man and men wear underoos. Underoos and Aqua Velva. Look out ladies!

Click here for the NSFW crotch shots of Brit Brit yesterday exiting her car sans-panties. Enjoy.

The Hoff is hospitalized

2007-10-11T11:51:00.000-05:00

David Hasselhoff has had yet another relapse in his battle with alcoholism. Yesterday he was admitted to Cedars-Sinai Hospital here he was treated for alcohol poisoning. David is currently in a custody battle with his ex, Pamela Bach. TMZ reports:

No word on how the latest lapse will affect custody. A judge awarded physical custody of the kids to Hoff, but we're told for the last five weeks they've been living pretty much full-time with David's ex, Pamela Bach, while he was in Europe shooting "Anaconda 3." We're told he had "infrequent contact" with his daughters, something Hoff's people dispute.

Wow. Shooting Anaconda 3 would probably be enough for me to be driven to alcohol poisoning too. That and the urge to gouge out my own eye balls and feed them to my agent for casting me in a movie that pretty much a step down from a Full House reunion special.

Kim Kardashian is chesty

2007-10-10T21:52:00.000-05:00

As much as I don't have any clue what this chick does, this one thing is for sure - she doesn't beat around the bush. Kim Kardashian simply shows up at events declaring 'I have big boobs' and needs no further explanation. Why even pretend you have a career? Just stick with what you know.

Fun fact: Kardashain is Iranian for 'rough sex with goats,' just like my name is Quebecois for 'desperate.'

Britney Spears' uncensored Gimme More video

2007-10-10T19:42:00.000-05:00

Take out the eye-bleach, the uncensored version of Britney Spears' "Gimme More" video is now online and features scenes left out of the final cut, including multiple shots of Brit topless wearing nothing but (bleh!!) pasties.

The quality is pretty weak, but I'm not one to complain. I'd pretty much rather meet George Michael in park after dark then watch another second of this video. Yep, seeing Britney topless or potentially exposing yourself to AIDS? It's a toss-up at best. Enjoy.

Charlize Theron is the sexiest woman

2007-10-10T19:06:00.000-05:00

A list that includes Angelina Jolie, Scarlett Johansson, and Jessica Biel has a new member as Charlize Theron has been named this year's "Sexiest Woman in the World" by Esquire Magazine.

I really don't know about this one - I mean, she seems too prudish. Sex with Charlize would be like going to the doctor, cold, uncomfortable and probably incredibly awkward when she asks about your sexual history. Does that even make sense? Turn to page 72 if the answer is yes.

Britney abused K-Fed

2007-10-10T18:18:00.000-05:00

According to Life & Style Magazine, Britney Spears beat Kevin Federline "several times during their marriage." which has resulted in K-Fed asking the judge to order her not to use corporal punishment on Sean and Jayden. A source from Britney's camp denies the rumor, saying:

"This is just another attempt to make Britney look like a bad mom."

First of all well already know Britney is a bad mom - but what's with K-Fed admitting to getting beat up by his wife? Was he wearing a bra and panties at the time? I think I'd rather admit to getting gang-banged in prison then my wife beating me. Well, maybe I'm exaggerating...let's just say I'd rather admit to buying leg-warmers from Walmart...which is pretty much a step away from a prison gang-bang. In theory.

Posh Spice is a robot

2007-10-10T09:03:00.000-05:00

I'm hoping this is nothing more then a bizarre fashion shoot and not Victoria Beckham's newest look. I mean, I'm sure it takes an army of super-robots to keep her husband David Beckham in the closet, but this is barely what I had in mind.

Sienna Miller is now naked

2007-10-09T07:00:00.000-05:00

Dying for any type of attention, Sienna Miller has leaked full-frontal naked pictures from her new movie Hippie Hippie Shake (not to be confused with Icky Wood's dance for the Chicago Bears).

At the rate these celebrity nude pictures have been making the rounds over the last few weeks I'm assuming that it's only a matter of time before the rumoured Golden Girls orgy tape from the 80's will be released. Was Bea Arthur a man? How strong is your stomach? Will you still like women after viewing? All these questions will be answered in time my friend. In time.

Check out the full NSFW pictures here, here and here.

Nude celebrity madness

2007-10-08T10:08:00.001-05:00

Alright, I go away for a week with no internet and two huge developments occur in the world of naked celebrities. First of all, a taxi driver in France found Ashton Kutcher's cell phone in his cab chuck-full of nude pictures of Demi Moore and demands a million dollars or he'll release them online. Read more.

Secondly, Britney Spears returned to her home this week to find that thieves had raided her $6 million property. It believed that the burglars made off with Britney's collection of raunchy homemade sex tapes as well as a selection of the singer's sexy (ahem) photographs. Also, some "uniforms" Britney allegedly wears for kinky sex games were taken as well. Read more here.

This is nuts. I mean, Ashton having pics of a 44 year-old woman on his phone? That's like getting caught looking at your mom naked. That's disgusting! And Britney...what else is there to say? I'm not surprised at all - I'm just curious, are the "uniforms" just the wardrobe from her early videos? Or is this freaky stuff like dressing up like the love child of Lizzie McGuire and rabid monkey...trust me, it's hot - and well worth the $30 rental fee. Lizzie want banana!!

Pop Culture Pundit: back and sexier then ever

2007-10-08T09:41:00.000-05:00

I'm back from Spain and ready to start posting again. Not much has changed for me - other then being a bit more tanned, the growth of a quasi-euro beard and a suitcase full of Europe's latest wines and fashions. Will I be posting pictures of my travels? Who knows - this isn't Perez, I don't need the attention, but let's just wait and see. If you bastards are lucky...lucky indeed.

And to my dear reader Carolyn: oh, the pictures are both a threat AND a promise. I promise they'll threaten all relationships as my Hasselhoff-esq good looks and Mr. Olympia-caliber physique which will result in mass break-ups. As once my images is out in the open women would do what's possible...nay, ANYTHING for the chance to accompany me on my next European adventure. Yep, I'm that lovely

I'm done ranting, on to the next story.

Pop Culture Pundit does Spain!

2007-09-29T09:56:00.000-05:00

My pretty, pretty ladies...Pop Culture Pundit will be going on a bit of a hiatus. I'll be in the lovely country of Spain (which is Spanish for 'Land of the Speedos and Mustaches') for the next week traveling, eating, drinking and looking for Spanish celebrities like the Three Amigos or Bumble-Bee Man.

So over the next week my posts will be few if any as my laptop isn't coming with me (my bag will be too full of edible undies and baby oil). I promise my readers personal photos of me at the nude beaches in return for the lack of reading material - winning or losing proposition? You decide!

Have a great week! Wish you were all there (or do I?)!

Paris bombs on Letterman

2007-09-29T09:44:00.000-05:00

Someone has got to teach this girl the art of the comeback. She just sat there and took David Letterman's abuse all last night. I mean, it's the kinda stuff you expect to see at Guantanamo Bay...if you replace the electric shocks to the genitals with heavy verbal abuse.

I'll post the video once it's online. In the meantime check this picture of kittens and clowns! Yippee!!

Ho-hum...Meg White has a sex tape

2007-09-24T20:28:00.000-05:00

According to The Post Chronicle, Meg White of The White Stripes cancelled several shows recently sighting acute anxiety on the part of Meg White, and they are attributing that anxiety to a recently leaked sex tape.

The alleged Meg White Sex Tape has caused quite a stir. Meg White of The White Stripes, a band known for their raw low-fidelity sound, appears to have a sex tape blazing up bandwidth on the internet.

In the stills below, it sure does look like Meg but one cannot be 100% certain. And given the climate of fakes these days, one has to question the authenticity first.

On Sept 11, 2007 The White Stripes canceled their forthcoming engagements because Meg White was suffering from "acute anxiety".

We can't help but wonder if the anxiety is due to this sex tape that has splashed onto the web.

Is it her? You be the judge.

This is officially out of control, I feel like I'm the only person in the world without a sex tape. I mean, when Meg White has one I'm thinking of firing up the ol' VHS camcorder and make me a little digital lovin' - let's just hope people don't freak out because I'm doing it with my Carebear collection while wearing mittens and clown stickers....errr...I mean, doing it with tons of "sexy ladies"....

Check out some stills from the video here.

Watch the entire video here.

It's a dude!

2007-09-24T18:34:00.000-05:00

"Dirty Sexy Money" will be premiered on ABC Thursday night, and it's just been revealed that one of the lead actresses is actually a....DUDE? TMZ says:

"Believe it or not, gorgeous New York singer/actress/performer (and Jennifer Flavin look-alike) Candis Cayne was born Brendan McDaniel. Candis plays Carmelita on the new ABC series.

Uh, "believe it or not"? I really don't think there is any question here - I think I'm more feminine that this 'woman.' I mean, I really don't get the whole mystery here, if you think she looks like a girl you're gayer then Andy Dick at a pride parade. And trust me, you don't want to meet Andy Dick at a pride parade.....

Pregnant Nicole Richie in a bikini

2007-09-23T15:22:00.000-05:00

Ladies, let this be a lesson - when you get a tattoo it's going to stretch like silly putty once you get knocked up.

Case in point: Nicole Richie...I mean, look at her that tattoo at the bottom of her stomach - soon it's going to be big enough to qualify for Reader's Digest large-print best seller.

Britney's latest blunder

2007-09-22T12:43:00.000-05:00

As you may or may not have noticed (99.9% chance you haven't - as the only people reading is my mom and Jews for Jesus...) I've avoided writing on Britney Spears for the past few days as I've been as sick of reading about her as much as you have, but this story is flat out too retarded to pass up. The AP is reporting:

Britney Spears was charged Friday with misdemeanor counts of hit and run and driving without a valid license after she allegedly smashed her car into another in a parking lot in August, prosecutors said. Three days after the accident, the owner of the other vehicle filed a police report, and investigators later determined that Spears does not have a license, officials said.

You have got to be kidding me - this chick parties loaded the night of pretty much losing her kids for drinking, drugs and being flat out irresponsible. But now we find out she's been driving her WHOLE LIFE without a license. I'm surprised she doesn't just show up at the D.A's office in a Darth Vadar mask screaming about eating her babies and burning kittens - because she's pretty much done everything else. I'm anticipating her suicide in a matter of weeks (unless Owen Wilson beats her to it), called it.

Marcia and Jan Brady's lesbian scandal

2007-09-21T18:25:00.000-05:00

This is seriously insane. Brady Bunch's Maureen McCormick (Marcia Brady) details her lesbian experiences with Jan (Eve Plumb) in her tell-all book which hits shelves in 2008. A source told The National Enquirer,

"The most explosive comments will be how the then-blonde, blue-eyed cutie developed a crush on Eve Plumb, which led to some sexual play. This book will certainly come as a shocker. While Maureen is not a lesbian, she reveals there were some sexual hijinks going on behind the scenes. It's bizarre because she played such a virginal character on the show."

Seriously, when I was watching these re-runs in the 90s I had no idea this whole series was pretty much a cover for porn. There was more ass being hit behind the scenes there then my last frat party...and by 'frat party' I mean 'sitting in front of the TV reading Tiger Beat magazine and eating nachos' but otherwise it's like the same thing.

Alicia Silverstone gets naked

2007-09-20T18:28:00.000-05:00

And by "naked" I mean "photoshopped" for the latest ad from PETA. I really don't understand why vegetarians all get naked for these ads, I mean, the last time I got naked for a cause they kicked me out of the church bake sale. Double standards suck.

Paris is a saint

2007-09-20T18:03:00.000-05:00

Dumb and rich Paris Hilton says that she wants to donate her used clothes and shoes to children's charities. She claims she has more clothes than she could ever possibly wear and sees no other solution. Paris says:

"I have, like, a million clothes and more than 500 pairs of shoes, so I'm going to give a bunch of them to orphanages and children's hospitals. I never wear something twice."

Huh, because that what all poor little kids want, right? Billion dollar high heels and pearls as opposed to food and shelter. I tell you - sometimes you'd rather starve then get herpes from a pair of designer jeans.

Elisha Cuthbert sex tape?

2007-09-17T13:46:00.000-05:00

Ho-hum, another celebrity sex tape is to be leaked. I'll be honest, these tapes are starting to become as arousing as going to my dirty uncle's house for Christmas dinner (and he's got some gentle hands, let me tell you). Geno's World reports:

Geno's World has learned that a porn tape involving Elisha Cuthbert is being shopped around. The tape obviously would end up in a legal battle, but the owner of the footage is attempting to set up a website to cash in quickly.

Damn! Elisha promised me that the video camera was definitely not on when we were having sex! Next thing you'll tell me if that the dude in the corner of the room smoking in his chair wasn't a hilarious novelty manikin after all or that sheep wasn't a clever inflatable prop! That is the last time I have a 12-hour sex romp with THAT girl! I feel so used...

Justin Timberlake slaps paparazzi

2007-09-17T13:29:00.000-05:00

Wow. The way Justin Timberlake slaps that paparazzi was pretty tough. I haven't see a slap like that since I ripped the heads off my baby sister's Barbie dolls and she came after me. Of course, that was at least 37% more manly of a slap (according to clinical independent research from the slap factory).

Britney's losing her kids

2007-09-16T20:51:00.000-05:00

Looks like it's finally happening, Britney is losing her babies as early as tomorrow morning. In a nutshell: there is a 'secret witness' 'closed hearing' and a 'district attorney ' that wants to take her kids away.

It's about freaking time, it was getting to the point where she could pretty much burn her children on the steps of the courthouse and get away with it. Read more about the case here.

Elizabeth Hurley has a sister

2007-09-15T12:06:00.000-05:00

Man, not only would it suck to have a hot sister like Elizabeth Hurley but it's a 1,000 times worse when you look nothing like her. I mean, it looks like she was adopted from the local pound as opposed to coming from the same vagina as Elizabeth.

I bet people don't even believe it when she says they are related - it's kind of like when Brad Pitt used to try to pass us off as brothers, but I was just way too hot to make it remotely believable.

Courtney Love haunts my dreams

2007-09-15T11:49:00.000-05:00

Oh God! I think I'd rather be in a dark alley with a serial killer and rabid tiger then even within 50 feet of this monster! What the hell happened to her, I mean, it's not like she was hot to begin with but she was never this heinous.

Somebody do her a favor and mix a little bit of bleach in with next dose of heroine.

Owen Wilson's scars

2007-09-15T10:12:00.000-05:00

I'm not usually one to exploit people who just attempted suicide, but I'm also not one to 'masquerade as doctor and feel up the elderly' but we all know how that one ended up - so let's just do this.

Here's a recent picture of Owen Wilson at the beach with his brother and 'sober companion.' But upon closer inspection you can check out a close up of Owen's scar here on his wrist. Sad, yes - news-worthy? You bet!

Britney to apologize on Emmys?

2007-09-13T08:32:00.000-05:00

Us Weekly is reporting that the FOX is in secret negotiations with Britney Spears' people to get her on Sunday's Emmy Awards. Oh no....Not to perform - the source says "The idea is to have her come on and apologize for the VMAs. She's weighing the offer."

A source close to Britney sort of denies the story, saying" "I can't say this is 100 percent not true. All I can say is that the Emmy people aren't dealing with her record company, her manager or her agents at William Morris. So if she is doing anything for the Emmys then it's not going through the official channels."

When I initially heard that FOX was talking to Spears I assumed it was for a hotdog eating contest or perhaps a segment of 'Unsolved Mysteries' where they'll investigate where her hotness went.

Mischa Barton's latest slip

2007-09-11T19:57:00.000-05:00

The very classy Mischa Barton was seen at the Save the Children's 75th Anniversary Celebration in New York City last night with a see through top.

What the hell? When I do charity work and I flash the ol' frank and beans all of a sudden I'm legally labeled a 'sex offender' and a 'danger to children' - it's these double standards that keeps me from fulfilling my life dreams....you know, building a fort out of pillows and living happily ever after with Bea Arthur.

Check out the full NSFW version here.

Jessica Simpson is chesty

2007-09-11T18:32:00.000-05:00

Sorry, I could be moving a bit quick here, first of all to clarify 'chesty' is a fancy name for 'boobies' and 'boobies' are pretty much just as cool as my Beanie Babies collection. Now that we're clear let's all look at more of Jessica here.

Britney wears no panties

2007-09-10T15:36:00.000-05:00

As if her performance at the VMA's wasn't bad enough, Britney went back to her suite at the Bellagio hotel last night and flashed the world her tuna taco while getting into her limo. Yep, the only way her day could get any worse is if she was caught making out with Hitler himself and eating babies.

Check out the totally disgusting NSFW version here. But let me warn you - she's had two babies with rather large heads.

Britney's pantload of a performance

2007-09-10T07:31:00.000-05:00

Did everyone catch the "Return of Britney Spears" last night on the VMA awards? The press sure has, here are some examples of their thoughts - The AP said:

As in most train wrecks, it was hard to focus on just one thing as the Britney Spears disaster unfolded. There was just so much that went wrong. Out-of-synch lip-synching. Lethargic movements that seemed choreographed by a dance instructor for a nursing home. The paunch in place of Spears' once-taut belly. At times she just stopped singing altogether, as if even she knew nothing could save her performance.

The New York Post said:

...why was Britney Spears' totally lame, pathetically lip-synched VMA performance at the Palms Casino last night allowed to be seen by the rest of the world? Spears was stuffed into a spangled bra and hot pants and jiggled like Jell-O as she sleepwalked through the song. She didn't seem to care that she danced like she had a pantload, that her lips weren't synched with the song, and that the tune isn't all that great.

And the New York Daily News said:

Glassy-eyed and out of step, Britney seemed lost in a sea of pole dancers and overmuscled male models who groped her so much she wasn't even mouthing the words by the time her number ended. Cuts to the audience revealed fellow artists rolling their eyes. 50 Cent looked like he might have just thrown up in his mouth, and Rihanna was flat-out laughing to a table guest.

I really think these journalists are understating the true crapiness of this performance. I probably would have done a better dance routine...and I'm MISSING A LEG! It was terrible, the only saving grace of the whole performance is that it ended before Britney had her mustard and cocaine sandwich.

Click here to watch the "performance"

This will end well

2007-09-08T09:51:00.000-05:00

If you're not already aware that Tila Tequila is an internet phenomenon, you soon will. She has 2,009,560 friends on myspace (roughly 2,009,559 more then I do), is pretty hot and has a new show. It'll be a new dating show on MTV that will feature Tila with dudes AND ladies as possible suitors (that's right, I use terms like 'dudes' and 'ladies' to identify genders - it works well in my thriving medical practice.....errr....'back-alley abortion clinic'...but don't worry, we sterilize the coat hangers). Tila writes:

That's right everyone! I am soooo excited! This is what I have been keeping top secret for soooo long! My new reality show on MTV will be like NO OTHER SHOW ON TELEVISION HISTORY! ...the show will be about me finding love as a BISEXUAL!!!!! THAT IS CRAZY RIGHT?

So on my new reality show there will be 16 male contestants and 16 female contestants all fighting for my love....GUYS AGAINST GIRLS....WHO WILL I END UP HOOKING UP WITH????? WILL I BE STRAIGHT OR LESBIAN IN THE END??????

I love chicks that use heavy punctuation and all-caps. It just screams 'high intelligence' - either that or 'clinical retardation.' Either way, I'm good - I mean, she's Asian and bisexual, right?

Vanessa Hudgens issues an apology

2007-09-07T18:13:00.000-05:00

Well, if you didn't believe me that these pics where true, Vanessa Hudgens has just released this formal statement:

"I want to apologize to my fans, whose support and trust means the world to me. I am embarrassed over this situation and regret having ever taken these photos. I am thankful for the support of my family and friends."

Question: what the hell is she apologizing for? Women who take naked photos of themselves should be given the Purple Heart...or at least Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy. You know, same thing...U-S-A! U-S-A!!

Vanessa Hudgens nudes are real!

2007-09-07T14:44:00.000-05:00

High School Musical's Vanessa Hudgens is involved in a tad of a pickle. Seductive, sensual, scandalous, screffic (ran out of s-words) and NUDE pictures she took for her bf (and co-star) Zac Efron were all over the internet yesterday. And now we have confirmation that those pictures are real. A rep for Hudgens said:

"This was a photo which was taken privately. It is a personal matter and it is unfortunate that this has become public."

Wow. This girl doesn't even look old enough to ride a bike without training wheels (that is assuming most people are like me and used them until their 25th birthday...) which constitutes these as damn creepy! However, if you'd like to see more check out the pics here, here and here.

Update #1: here's the pic that started all the controversy. It's totally not safe for work, click at your own risk.

Rachael Ray's pancakes

2007-09-06T18:16:00.000-05:00

Um...now I'm not a 'doctor' or even 'sexy to the homeless', but are nipples supposed to be this big? I mean, it looks like she's got pink silver dollars made of skin under her shirt, it's freaking disgusting! Wouldn't she want to hide those under a nice wool turtleneck or a fire-retardant suit?

Fun fact: pink skin silver dollars are legal tender in Spain.

Check out more (if you dare) here.

Jessica Simpson is ripped!

2007-09-06T18:04:00.000-05:00

When did this happen? Is Jessica bulking up for a new role? Or are steroids the new drug for young Hollywood?

Either way, the only person I know with muscles bigger then that is me - but then again, it's tough to 'out-massive' Mr.Olympia 2000-2007...errr....well to be honest my title is 'Mr. Special Olympia'....but let's not underestimate my achievement, I mean those retards can sure get huge!

If you think the top half is massive - check out her stems.

The fat lady sings for the fat man

2007-09-06T12:12:00.000-05:00

That headline just wrote itself...honest, I mean I just sat here and looked at my keyboard and the words just appeared on the freaking screen! It's amazing...like KITT or something!

Speaking of KITT, Luciano Pavarotti has died this morning of pancreatic cancer at the age of 71. Well loved for such hits as 'Wake me up before you go-go' and 'Other made-up songs because I'm too lazy to do my research.'

Rest in peace big dude.

Halle Berry is pregnant

2007-09-05T08:17:00.000-05:00

Following endless gossip and rumors, Halle Berry has officially confirmed yesterday that she is three months pregnant with her first child. Berry, 41, and boyfriend Gabriel Aubry, 32 have dated for about a year and a half. People.com says:

"Yes, I am three months pregnant," the Oscar winner told Access Hollywood on Tuesday. "Gabriel and I are beyond excited and I've waited a long time for this moment in my life." Berry, 41, and her boyfriend, 32-year-old model Gabriel Aubry, met shooting a Versace ad in Los Angeles in November 2005 and first stepped out publicly three months later at the February opening of a Versace boutique in New York City.

You've got to be kidding me. Halle Berry used to be one of the hottest chicks in Hollywood - now she's nothing more then another fat pregnant emotional mess. If I want to see that I'll just head over to the diaper aisle at my local Wal-Mart. Kind of makes me happy I broke up with her...that is if by 'break up' you mean 'arrested for breaking into her home and drinking her dirty bath water.'

Eva Longoria wears bikini, bends over

2007-09-04T21:56:00.000-05:00

Yeah, so I've taken a few days off and left town for Labour Day. And I'll admit, I missed a lot of fun gossip, but let's be honest - if I did post anything it would probably just been drunken gibberish about me with giant fists fighting alien invaders and marrying Angelina Jolie and her twin sister.

Although to be fair, I did miss this gem - Eva Longoria in Spain wearing a bikini. Pretty hot if you ask me, that is, if by 'pretty hot' I mean 'you're into what's essentially nothing more then the female, white Webster.' Think about it.

Ashton Kutcher is a fancy pants

2007-09-01T10:01:00.000-05:00

Have you seen Ashton lately? With those capris and the hummingbird shirt, he looks a few steps away from joining the Jane Austin book club and talking to a group of teenage girls about that 'not so fresh feeling.'

What happened to this guy?

Britney is hotter then the sun!

2007-08-29T15:58:00.000-05:00

Well actually my comparing Britney to the sun might be a bit of a stretch - but let me remind you, that the sun is nothing more then a great big ball of gas. Kind of fitting if you ask me.

Owen Wilson deathwatch update 2

2007-08-28T18:28:00.000-05:00

Last week's call logs for the Santa Monica Police Department were released today, confirming that Owen Wilson did in fact try to kill himself on Sunday.

This is not the most fun thing I've written about, so let's just lighten things up with pictures of Elle Macpherson surfing in a bikini. You're welcome.

Owen Wilson deathwatch update

2007-08-27T21:42:00.000-05:00

Exclusive! New! Suicide-riffic!

I've taken precious time out of watching the Hills (p.s. I'm way hotter then Spencer - and that bitched clapped his hands for some reason when he meets Heidi's folk..gay!) to report additional details about the shocking suicide attempt of Owen Wilson. Word is getting out that Wilson cut BOTH wrists and took a MAJOR amount of pills. He was discovered by a family member who called for help and apparently his situation was dire when he was discovered.

Police and an ambulance responded to a 911 call from Owen's house around noon on Sunday. He's still in the hospital and doing pretty good.

I'll admit I'm being a tad obtuse, but I'm just saying this guy is acting like a sad 14 year old girl. A girl with sparkles and macaroni on her diary, listening to the Cure and slashing her wrists when she can't find a date to the prom. This man is dating quality babes, he's got a tons of cash and guys want to be him. No sympathy here. Updates coming soon.

Britney ain't no good momma

2007-08-27T20:21:00.000-05:00

Britney Spears is currently being investigated for child abuse. According to TMZ:

An unscheduled hearing was held today at L.A. County Superior Court. Present -- Britney's lawyer, Dennis Wasser, K-Fed's attorney, Mark Vincent Kaplan and a lawyer from the Los Angeles County Counsel who is assigned to the dependency court. We do not know the specifics of the allegations but we're told the L.A. County Department of Children and Family Services is conducting an active investigation. A hearing in the custody case has been scheduled for September 4, which will be a follow up to today's appearance.

You don't have to be Matlock to crack this one. All you got to do is offer her 3 bags of Cheetos and she'll not only give you her kids for free but she'd offer to eat them for an extra hour at the tanning booth. Mom of the year indeed.

Owen Wilson deathwatch update

2007-08-27T13:28:00.000-05:00

The Suicide Blond himself, Owen Wilson has now issued a statement:

"I respectfully ask that the media allow me to receive care and heal in private during this difficult time."

Huh, vague at best. Poor, poor rich celebrity. This is obviously a cry for help, I mean, if he really wanted to kill himself he could have just as easily jumped off his huge pile of money. I hear it's pretty tall.

Jake Gyllenhaal is gay!

2007-08-27T10:20:00.000-05:00

I really don't know why I used an exclamation mark in the headline, because usually that punctuation is used to indicate a certain level of shock or surprise. Whereas this story offers neither shocks nor surprises - it pretty much just makes me feel warm and secure in knowing that my initial impressions were 100% accurate. Ex-Hollywood publicist Jonathon Jaxson says:

Jake Gyllenhaal has been dating the same guy for years. Last year Jake and his bf were arrested and brought into the West Hollywood station after the sheriffs office was called after catching Jake and his bf having sex in an SUV behind the restaurant Chin Chins in LA. Both were later released. Jake has been dating this guy for years, even before he broke up with Kirsten Dunst. Kirsten Dunst found out about his bf and confronted him at Chateau Marmont. The confrontation was loud and they broke up right there. News of their break-up followed a few days later. Jake and his bf are currently expecting a baby through a surrogate. They used a company based in Westwood, CA. The baby is due in September.

What more can I say other then [insert predictable Brokeback Mountain joke here]. And there you have it.

Owen Wilson OD's and in hospital

2007-08-26T20:09:00.000-05:00

Owen Wilson OD'd on drugs and was rushed to the emergency room in Los Angeles' St. John's Hospital via ambulance today, according to sources of the National Enquirer and Star magazine.

Wilson is being treated for what is described by a close source as "a very serious condition." Which may or may not be related to the fact that tonight was the Teen Choice awards (Nick Cannon hosting? It would make me OD on whatever I could get my hands on...paint, Tide...whatever).

But here's the weird part: the police (not the band) were present at the hospital and at least one well known Los Angeles criminal attorney was also there. And apparently the prognosis at first was not too good for Owen but it has now been upgraded. He has been stabilized and was just loaded in an ambulance from and is on his way to another Los Angeles-area hospital.

Update #1: They are now saying it might have been a suicide attempt, I'll keep you all posted.

Brad and Angelina's breakup is coming

2007-08-26T19:04:00.000-05:00

That's right. The breakup is coming, there are just too many issues at play for these two to keep it together. First of all, Star Magazine has reported that Brad is encouraging Angie to go to rehab to gain weight. Over the past year, Angelina has become freakishly slim and Brad is apparently worried about her shrinking boobs...errr...I mean "overall health". Angelina has said:

"I've always been lean and this year I lost my mom and I've gone through a lot. I have four kids and I finished breastfeeding - it's been hard to get my nutrition back on track," Says Jolie, defending her dramatic weight loss.

Besides Angelina's shrinking boobage...um..."personal troubles", there is also Brad's incessant need to communicate with ex-wife Jennifer Aniston. And due to the never-ending rumors of a potential split have had their impact on the couple, causing tension. I'll be honest I'm a factor in the breakup as well...my rippling abs and dashing good looks have definitely distracted Angelina and quite possibly even Brad himself. You see, not only am I attractive to women, but also men, the animal kingdom and the guys in the furniture assembly department at IKEA. It's tough being me. So sexy.

I will go out on a limb and predict that Brangelina will be split before Thanksgiving. You read it here first.

Scary Spice was/is a lesbian

2007-08-26T14:42:00.000-05:00

To no one's surprise, The Sunday Mirror is claiming that Mel B of the Spice Girls was engaged in a lesbian affair for a number of years. They've reported that:

Mel B began a lesbian affair with mother-of-two Christa Parker after they met at the gates of the school where both women's' children are students. It's claimed that Ms Parker then introduced her to sex-toy vendor, Elizabeth Rodriguez, who joined Mel B and Ms Parker in bed for threesomes.

Wow, this is awesome, I mean this kind of stuff is so wicked it makes even Chuck Norris cry. For tons more details on the story, check it out here.

DMX is the new Michael Vick

2007-08-26T14:01:00.000-05:00

Rapper, part-time actor and jackass DMX has now also being investigated for animal cruelty as sheriff's deputies raided his home on Friday, seizing several pit bulls and finding the remains of three other dogs but making no arrests.

These guys are idiots. I mean, I'd be afraid to leave any of them alone in a room with a gun and a troupe of Girl Scouts, since we all know these bastards have a really poor track record when it comes to dealing with the defenseless.

We need less people like DMX, Jamie Foxx and Michael Vick more people like this who actually care about animals while the rest of us just sit back and complain about the mistreatment.

Hayden Panettiere in FHM UK

2007-08-25T17:08:00.000-05:00

Those British really know how to sex up young actresses and Hayden's photo shoot for FHM UK is no different.

I'll admit, now that she's 18 I'm starting to find her a bit hotter. I don't think she's "tames wild animals with her gaze"-hot, but she's kind of "I'd hit it after a few beers....Canadian beer, not American"-hot.

Click here to check out the full spread at Egotastic.

Criss Angel slums it

2007-08-25T13:53:00.000-05:00

Britney Spears showed up to magician Criss Angel's place at 2 am the other night and didn't leave until 9 am the next morning.

That's disgusting how far Criss Angel has fallen. I hope he's a good enough magician to make his syphilis disappear and his standards re-appear.

Zac Efron wears hats

2007-08-24T12:22:00.000-05:00

Ohmygod! ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod!!! Zac Efron is soooooooooo cute, I could just melt in his sexy bare arms or his...uh...his hat?

What the hell is this kid wearing? A wife beater and bowling hat? He looks like he's the tween culture's Scott Baio. Even him dressing up like a mime would be an improvement, and we all know how I feel about mimes.

Jamie Foxx luvs Michael Vick

2007-08-24T12:07:00.000-05:00

Access Hollywood has reported comments made by Jamie Foxx regarding Michael Vick's dog fighting charges - and let's just say, Jamie Foxx can go to hell too.

"It's a cultural thing, I think," Jamie said. "Most brothers didn't know that, you know. I used to see dogs fighting in the neighborhood all the time. I didn't know that was Fed time. So, Mike probably just didn't read his handbook on what not to do as a black star." While he has a way of lightening even the most sensitive of subjects, Jamie is sincere in his belief that the quarterback is not being given a fair shake.
"I know that cruelty to animals is bad, but sometimes people shoot people and kill people and don't get time," Jamie continued. "I think in this situation, he really didn't know the extent of it, so I always give him the benefit of the doubt."

So the real victim here is who? Michael Vick? The dogs? "Black star" culture? Jamie Foxx's comments are as ridiculous as his movie career, there is nothing "cultural" about dog fighting or cruelty to animals, unless of course you're referring to the 'brain-eating zombie culture' where eating brains and executing dogs is pretty much like us brushing our teeth. And animal cruelty is not something you get charged with because you're black (if that was the case Gary Coleman would have been locked up years ago) - it's something you're charged with when you secretly murder animals for money and entertainment.

Lindsay Lohan: one day in jail?

2007-08-23T22:06:00.000-05:00

This is unbelievable and typical, My Way News reports that:

Lindsay Lohan reached a plea deal Thursday on misdemeanor drunken driving and cocaine chargers that call for her to spend one day in jail, server 10 days of community service and complete a drug treatment program.

Seriously, Lindsay pretty much can be the cause of Armageddon and gets nothing and I could still get 5-10 for shoplifting. But again, that's just because I like collecting Barbie's and Ponies and that just falls into the 'weird' parts of the law.

Lohan charged!

2007-08-23T15:08:00.000-05:00

It's about damn time. Lindsay Lohan was charged today with two counts of driving under the influence and seven misdemeanors, including misdemeanor possession of coke. TMZ says:

Lohan, who was busted twice since Memorial Day weekend, was charged with two counts of driving under the influence. If convicted of both, she'd face a minimum of four days in jail. If a felony were filed, Lohan could have faced several years in state prison.

TMZ also explains why Lindsay received just a misdemeanor drug charge:

In Lohan's case, the fact that she was busted twice in a short period of time actually helped her. It shows someone is struggling with an addiction problem. The fact that each time she was busted, she immediately checked into a rehab facility also helped her case. Also, her age - 21 - and the fact that her upbringing was extremely unstable - also worked in her favor.

Unstable upbringing? Man, that should be a slap in the face to Lindsay's parents. I mean, even Hitler's parent's weren't called out in the war crimes tribunal. But if having crazy parents is really a valid defense I'm assuming Britney Spears' kid could pretty much massacre a bus full of nuns, children and puppies and still get off scott-free.

Hayden's got milk

2007-08-23T14:01:00.000-05:00

Hey look! Hayden Panattiere is starring in the most recent "Got Milk?" ad campaign. Now that she's 18 I can somewhat appreciate her good looks, but let's not forget about the real fans. The millions of pasty basement dwellers who just experienced a Level 8 nerd-gasm while reading this post- those losers are in jailbait heaven!

No charges for Lindsay Lohan

2007-08-22T12:19:00.000-05:00

Isn't anyone is Hollywood accountable for their actions anymore? It seems that law enforcement sources say Lindsay Lohan is not going to be charged with cocaine possession in connection with her two DUI arrests. TMZ reports:

We're told charges may be filed tomorrow, and the D.A. is leaning toward rejecting three possible felonies. Sources say the D.A. almost certainly will not file cocaine charges in connection with her DUI bust Memorial Day weekend in Beverly Hills. As for her July 24 arrest in Santa Monica, the D.A. could charge her with felony cocaine possession, and bringing cocaine into a correctional facility - also a felony. But we're told that the D.A. is inclined not to file those felony charges either.

Seriously, most people get arrested for doing less that what Lindsay does in one hour of any given day. She could pretty much could assassinate the President of the United States, sleep with the Popes and eat the corpse of Elvis and still get nominated for a Teen Choice award. Well I'm exaggerating, those Teen Choice awards are pretty exclusive...perhaps instead maybe a Blockbuster award...or an ESPY, depends on the competition, I hear Michael Vick is a shoe-in.

Beyonce flashes crowd

2007-08-21T18:18:00.000-05:00

During a recent performance in my hometown Toronto, Beyonce accidentally flashed the crowd when her dress flew up during her song "Deja Vu" which is French for 'show me your boobies!' or something like that.

Check out the video here, it's NSFW but it's pretty blurry so it's either a boot or boobs you see, I'm not quite sure.

Sienna Miller forgot her top

2007-08-21T15:41:00.000-05:00

I'm still not 100% on who this woman is, I think I saw her in a movie once called 'Alfie' where she befriends a alien with orange fur from the planet Melmac, where the sky is green and they use foam for money. Man, there was this hilarious part where he sees this cat and....um, we are talking about the same movie right? Alfie??

Want to see more of Sienna topless of the beach in Spain - check out the unedited pic here.

The Hills pay the bills

2007-08-21T12:51:00.000-05:00

E! Online provided a ball-park estimate for incomes of reality stars. I'm not talking the girls in the park I tape for free, I mean Lauren Conrad and Heidi Montag from MTV's The Hills:

Well, Lauren "L.C." Conrad does get to operate ongoing hot war with Heidi Montag in the pages of Us Weekly every week, free of charge. If that's not a fine compensation, I don't know what is. Oh, wait. Yes, I do. How about an estimated $10,000 to $25,000 per episode? That's the general industry range for top reality stars such as Conrad, Montag, wannabe K-Fed or Spencer Pratt.

$10-$20,000?? With that kind of money I could build a time machine and make sure Hitler wasn't born...or Paulie Shore - either way, it would sure end a lot of suffering. Hilarious suffering.

Hayden is legal, preverts

2007-08-21T08:47:00.000-05:00

The most important day for virgins and D&D Dungeon Masters living in their parent's basement has finally come...Hayden Panettiere is 18! Now you can freely PVR Heroes, pause and rewind the Hayden scenes without any worry that Dateline will banging down your door.

Enjoy your day perverts, you've earned it.

Rihanna's little nipple slip

2007-08-20T20:27:00.000-05:00

Check out Rihanna's recent performance on a show that's far too cool for me to watch. But if you check another pic of the performance HERE, her nipple is slipping out.

Yep, the good ol' nipple slip...first made popular by Bea Arthur in the roaring 20's only to go out of fashion when Bea's nipple actually caused the great depression. Historically accurate AND sexy!

Michael Vick can burn in hell

2007-08-20T17:29:00.000-05:00

Public douchebag #1, Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick, has pleaded guilty today to federal charges related to a dogfighting ring. News came about when two co-defendants signed statements saying Vick participated in the execution of at least 8 dogs by hanging or drowning them. Breitbart News says:

Vick is expected to be sentenced next Monday at US District Court here. He could face up to five years in prison and fines of more than 250,000 dollars as a result of the charges.
A grand jury was hearing evidence Monday on more possible charges that could have been filed against Vick, including racketeering gambling charges that might have substantially raised the stakes and possible prison term Vick might face.

I've learned two things today. First, Michael Vick is a bastard - Second, DO NOT pick the Falcons in your office playoff pool....or for that matter, never, ever sleep with a dude named Ron Mexico. It'll just f'up your genitals.

Britney without her hairpiece

2007-08-19T16:54:00.000-05:00

Sick! Britney without her extentions look freakishly similar to this kid, Scott, I use to place soccer with when I was a kid. Except he looked way more like a chick then Britney.

She's getting to the point when a woman hits her 40's or 50's and stops caring about what she looks like...then one day, she comes home from SuperCuts and you see her with this erection-killing haircut and you go gay.

Yep, that's how it works....it's pretty much in the bible.....or at least the soccer rule book a.k.a "The European Gay Man's Bible".

Salma Hayek is huge!

2007-08-16T17:44:00.000-05:00

It's official, Salma Hayek was raped by Optimus Prime - I mean, look at her...it looks like she's going to give birth to a truck! How do I know? I'm both a doctor AND mechanic!

Britney's Allure photoshoot

2007-08-16T13:44:00.000-05:00

Check out some pictures of Britney's new spread from Allure magazine. With all that airbrushing and hair extensions they used for Brit, you could have taken Michael Jackson and made him look like Mr.Snuffleupagus. Of course we all know what happened to 'Snuffy' after Sesame Street - yep, a few years in snuff films he later was seen on A&E's 'Intervention' snorting coke and selling corpses on the black market with Forgetful Jones. Sad.

See all the pictures of Britney, plus outtakes here.

Britney's crazy sex life continues

2007-08-15T09:51:00.000-05:00

In the upcoming OK! Magazine it's revealed that Britney has been hooking up with other women left and right (unlike me). OK! reports:

Britney's quick tryst with Matt Encinias made headlines, but the music-video extra wasn't the real target of Brit's affection that night. OK! has learned that Britney spent the evening topless, nuzzling up to her former assistant Shannon Funk! "Instead of hooking up with him, [Shannon] ended up back in Brit's room and bed," a source tells OK!. Britney has been experimenting with girls since her teen years. She even put the moves on porn queen Jenna Jameson. "Jenna told me that Britney hit on her and that she hooks up with girls," says adult_movie actress Tera Patrick.

Alright, considering how far Britney has fallen and what Jenna Jameson looks like now - I'm thinking this is the least hot lesbian fantasy since that very special episode of Golden Girls.

Anne Hathaway is a great girlfriend

2007-08-15T08:43:00.000-05:00

Why doesn't this ever happen when I'm on my multi-million dollar yacht with my hot A-list celebrity girlfriend?

Well, honesty by 'yacht' I was referring to 'the fort I built out of cardboard boxes in my living room'....but my captain's hat is way more awesome then getting a BJ from Anne Hathaway. Or at least that's what my First Matey tells me.

More pictures of the action and Anne in a bikini here.

Update: whose feet are beside the loving couple? Man, Anne is dirty!

Nicole Richie sure has changed

2007-08-14T21:14:00.000-05:00

Wow. Seriously, wow! Pregnancy is actually making Nicole Richie look hot! I never thought I'd see the day. This changes everything....goodbye condoms, hello bareback! I'm going to knock up as many chicks as I can and create a race of ubber-sexy pregnant honies! Come my lactating pretties, come and all the pickles and ice cream your big bellies desire!!

Creepy.

Paris has too much class

2007-08-14T15:21:00.000-05:00

For some strange reason, Paris Hilton took some time over the weekend to yet again reiterate that she's never gotten implants. The Sydney Harold says:

Hilton once considered breast augmentation surgery before being talked out of it by her father, Rick. At the time she said: "I don't need it and I would never get it. It's gross - and it always ends up looking really fake. But if a girl is miserable and that's the only way to make her happy, then that's fine. Years ago I asked my dad for a boob job and he said it would cheapen my image. So I decided not to do it."

If there is one this that Paris is it's classy. She'll leak a sex tape, go to jail, sleep with every man and woman in Hollywood BUT she won't get a boob job because she doesn't want to look 'cheap.' Not only that, but she seems to think fake breasts are also a magical cure-all for depression - because it's the only way to make some girls happy. We all know the real path to true happiness for women is to sleep with me, right? Seems my rippling muscle can cure depression quicker then fake boobs ever could. Or at least that what the girl in my trunk says.

Jenna has gone downhill

2007-08-14T14:14:00.000-05:00

What the hell happened to Jenna Jameson? She went from one of the hottest women in the world to something out of Anne Frank's Diary. With the way she looks, her future in the porn industry must be in question - unless of course she downgrades from "leading lady" to "yard boy's rake" in the customary "sex with the landscaper scene."

Well, at least that's what happens in the porn scenes in my head. And by "in my head" I mean "I have sex with my landscaper" and by "landscaper" I mean "the sod on my front yard." Ahem.

Keira Knightley gets naked for Chanel

2007-08-13T12:44:00.000-05:00

Here's Chanel's new ad campaign featuring Keira Knightley, a big bottle of perfume, a hat and a blanket...huh, that's pretty much all I have in my closet too. But let's face it, when I look at Keira naked I just feel so damn dirty and creeped out inside. I wonder if that has anything to do with the fact that she's got the body of a 11 year old Boy Scout?

Shocking: K-fed wants money

2007-08-13T12:16:00.000-05:00

TMZ is reporting that Kevin Federline's custody with Britney Spears could actually be about.....wait for it......money! Upon their initial separation, he originally agreed to a 50/50 split, but then suddenly filed papers asking for 70/30 split after having zero contact with Britney for over three months.

Now that Britney's cousin, Alli Sims has been served, K-Fed's lawyers can take her deposition. But a source says they also want to take Britney's deposition, but the notice Britney received was all about money and not the kids.

At this point none of this is really relevant anymore. Regardless of K-Fed's motivations to get the kids back, if I was a judge I would award custody to my gavel as opposed to Britney, which pretty much makes Kevin an attractive option here. Of course, if I was a judge I'd also probably drive into court through the walls in a monster truck screaming 'Mount. Rockmore is here bitches!! I AM THE LAW!!' and award custody to the burning rubble in my wake. I'm just that awesome.

Jessica Alba has herpes

2007-08-13T11:31:00.000-05:00

Seems Derek Jeter is more dangerous when it comes to spreading diseases as that monkey from Outbreak, just ask Jessica Alba. Here's the scoop:

The Adam Carolla Show dished all the dirt on the viral Jess earlier this morning. The 26-year-old actress and her 33-year-old former flame dated for a while, before Jessica settled into a long-term relationship with Cash Warren. But now Jesse's STD may be the only gift with staying power.

Apparently Alba regularly filled a Valtrex prescription during her relationship with Cash Warren.

What I find most interesting is that Derek could have also infected past flames Mariah Carey, Vanessa Minnillo and Jessica Biel. I'm just surprised he hasn't given it yet to A-Rod...those two guys must be double-bagging it.

Suck it Yankees!

Britney is totally screwed

2007-08-13T08:17:00.001-05:00

Britney Spears' cousin/mooch/assistant/hanger-on Alli Sims was served legal papers at 3 AM Sunday morning as she left a house party in Hollywood. The papers state that Alli will be forced to testify to Britney's parenting skills in the ongoing custody battle between Britney and Kevin Federline.

This is not good for Britney. When it's all said an done she's going to make Bin Laden look like father of the year. Hell, the can of soup in my lunch is probably a better mom to Britney's kids then she is...and it's a delicious source of vitamin A, B & K12.

Once the stories about the drinking, drugs, neglect and what she feeds her kids they'll probably just ship her off to Texas to get executed. Or worse.....Quebec. May God have mercy on her soul.

Cloverfield ending revealed?

2007-08-10T08:14:00.000-05:00

Seems J.J. Abrams super-secret project's (a.k.a. Overnight, a.k.a. Monstrous, a.k.a. 1-18-08, etc.) ending may have just been leaked.

Cloverfield's plot revolves around a small group of people struggling to survive a monster attack in Manhattan. And it seems according to this call sheet that was stolen off of a crew's laptop reveals the ending and an alternate conclusion. I guess either the two main characters die under rubble from the Brooklyn Bridge or they live happily ever after.

I'm one who prefers endings where the guy in the wheelchair miraculously begins to walk again, or when the team of retarded children with the NBA finals thanks to luck, hard work and a wicked-ass training montage with 'Eye of the Tiger' playing full blast. With those way awesome endings, you can't miss!

Read more about it here.

Lindsay's parents are idiots

2007-08-09T09:44:00.000-05:00

Lindsay Lohan's bodyguard from 2002-2005, Tony Almeida, has stepped forward to say that Lindsay's parents are pretty much the entire reason he life is such a train wreck now. He says they let her do whatever she wanted from a very young age - including sex and drugs - as long as she kept working because her paychecks kept them living it large. Page Six says:

Almeida says, "From a young age, she dealt with her father's physical, emotional and drug abuses as well as her mother's drinking." Once, when Lindsay was 16, Michael flew into a rage while driving and "slammed on the brakes and dragged her out of the car, pushed her up against the hood, screamed at her and called her a slut. This was on the Long Island Expressway! I got in the middle of it and pulled him off."

Meanwhile, Dina often "let her do whatever she wanted, just to keep her happy and working... [At her 16th birthday party] Lindsay drank whatever she wanted - I saw her drinking beer and mixed drinks with my own eyes [without Dina's intervention]." As Lindsay's manager, Dina - who was desperate to become a star herself - received 10 percent of her income. "Lindsay was the family cash cow - and she resented it," Almeida claims. "They counted on her to pay their bills...I saw Lindsay exhausted, begging her mother for some time off."

Young Lindsay's parents looked the other way as she began a life of boozing, boys and drugs. When she was 15, they allowed her to share a room with her then-14-year-old boyfriend, Aaron Carter, at Loews in Miami Beach. Almeida relates, "They knew Lindsay was sleeping in Aaron's room. But they seemed happy she had chosen somebody who could benefit her singing career."

By age 18, Lindsay had moved on to harder substances. Almeida recalls walking in on her and another celebrity in a closet at a club one night as they sniffed white powder. The ex-bodyguard also claims Lindsay cried out for help for years by cutting herself and threatening suicide.

This is insane, I'm beginning to think Hilter's rotting corpse would be a better parent then Dina Lohan ever would be. I saw a documentary once about a kid who was raised by wild wolves, the dude couldn't talk and pooped on the floor - but he was a billion times more well-adjust that anything that's coming out of the Lohan machine.

Katharine McPhee doesn't like wind

2007-08-08T19:21:00.000-05:00

Katharine McPhee seems to be having a bit of an issue with her dress while on set for her first (last) movie which is now still unnamed . As much as I'd like to high-five Mother Nature for this one let's remember what happened to that whale formally known as Kelly Clarkson. Yep that's Katharine 3 years from now...

Scary Spice in animal prints

2007-08-08T19:07:00.000-05:00

Mel B. (a.k.a. Scary Spice) is back on her T&A tour showing her off her disgusting milk-bags in animal skin. I mean, what the hell is she wearing? If I saw her swimming in this thing I'd pretty much figure she was the creature that killed Steve Irwin...except less hot.

Paris changes her ways

2007-08-07T20:31:00.000-05:00

I swear, it I had a time machine and only chance to use it, I think it would be to punch Kathy Hilton is the stomach while she was pregnant with Paris. Of course, judging by Paris' recent behavior it almost seems like someone beat me to it...that or she's suffering from fetal alcohol syndrome.

As we all know by now, after being released from jail, Paris professed that she changed her ways. She claimed was going to set up a halfway house, started carrying around the Bible, said she was done being a party girl and wanted to help the community by doing charity work.

So it makes perfect sense that she showed up to a Playboy party yesterday dressed in lingerie. However let's not rush to judgment...I'm sure this was just a stop over on the way to the soup kitchen and to save the children from the burning orphanage.

Britney knows good PR

2007-08-07T19:15:00.000-05:00

Judging by the upcoming cover of US Magazine her status has been downgraded from 'drunk skank' to 'that weird girl who swims with her hat on' which is pretty bad in itself, I mean, I thought only bald men swam with thei......oh wait....right.

Of course, I can't get down on her for that - I swim with my t-shirt on...partly to hide my man boobs and party to take the attention away from the water wings.

Paris is rich and spoiled

2007-08-06T19:00:00.000-05:00

Just when I can't hate this bitch anymore I read this. Back when Paris Hilton was behind bars she told the press that she was determined to change her ways and she wanted to build a halfway house for recently released female inmates. Well, it hasn't happened. Mainly because she was brought up in a home where her personal comfort was put WAY ahead of anything and anyone else and where she was and still is treated like a spoiled child. People.com says:

For Kathy Hilton, the toughest part about daughter Paris Hilton's being in jail was "seeing the rashes on her arms and face from the thin sheets."

For Paris's homecoming, her mother set up a room in what, "used to be the baby nursery. I had fresh, really soft towels, and really soft sheets and one of those really soft, cuddly [blankets] called 'my blankey,' and nice soft pillow cases."

Kathy Hilto's rationale, she said, was that Paris had "been in jail, obviously with the very thin sheets and one pillow and one little thin blanket. That's how [inmates] get rashes. It feels like sandpaper."

Paris's reaction to all this softness, says her mother, was that "she went in, and she looked at the Fresh Farms soap, and she looked at the towels and the Evian water by her bedside. I wanted to make her feel really welcome. And we went downstairs and made a sandwich. And she ran outside with her doggie. And she ran, and she was screaming, 'Oh, this feels so good. I feel so lucky.'"

The thin sheets? That woman needs to see the dirty sleeping bag I sleep in at the side of the road! I mean, I would love this family to see how normal people live - let alone the working poor. People are dying, starving and killing each other and all the Hiltons are worried about the RASH that THIN SHEETS gave Paris? If they think that's tough, they ought to see the rash I get from wearing those thin white pants I wear while performing at children's birthday parties. Ouch.

New Indiana Jones posters

2007-08-06T18:40:00.000-05:00

The Indiana Jones poster is out - and I'd be lying if I didn't say my pants get a tad tight when I see it. I'll admit, I'm a fan - but this poster is worrying me a bit. I mean, what's in the box? A wheelchair for Indy? His fiber supply for the week? Adult diapers? ....ANOTHER BOX??? Think about it........

Britney done broke the dog

2007-08-06T08:39:00.001-05:00

Looks like the Doritos and Dr. Pepper diet didn't resonate well with Britney's new puppy, London.

Spears, who had been partying with back-on pal Alli Sims until 2 a.m. at L.A. club Winston:s, emerged in her Mercedes from her Beverly Hills home around 1 p.m., cradling her new Yorkshire Terrier puppy, London, and drove straight to the nearby Beverly Hills Small Animal Hospital. Also along for the ride with Spears: her former assistant-pal Sims, and her sons Sean Preston and Jayden James.

Upon arrival at the hospital, Spears handed the puppy to Sims, who carried the dog into the hospital, where, Usmagazine.com has confirmed, London was treated by a veterinarian.

About a half hour later, Sims returned to the car with London and told photographers that the puppy had undergone "just a check-up. She is okay."

Well done Britney. It's only a matter of time before she comes home so f'ed up she'll feed the dog to the kids. Or cover the kids in Puppy Chow and let the dog loose. Either way, that household is totally screwed while Britney is in charge.

Perez Hilton fakes photo

2007-08-03T10:57:00.000-05:00

Perez would do anything for attention. Including photoshoping 17 year old Hayden Panettiere to make it look like she's holding a dildo. Nice one, dicksmack - faking the corruption of an underage girl. The picture on the left is what Perez put on his site and the picture of the right is the original.

Charming man that Perez is. He might as well photoshop her making out with Hitler or killing puppies...anything to keep his visits up.

Avril Lavigne got a boob job?

2007-08-03T08:36:00.000-05:00

Looks like when she's not ripping off other people's music, she's getting her boobs done. It's kind of creepy though...isn't she too young for a boob job? At her age she should be chasing butterflies, setting up lemonade stands and hosting tea parties. At least that what I did when I was pretending to be a 14 year old girl.....uh...yesterday.....

Are these real? Click here to see more recent pics of Avril McChesty-Boobs and you tell me.

I just threw up a little

2007-08-03T08:08:00.000-05:00

MSN said yesterday that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes want to do a nudie, super-erotic, ultra-arousing photoshoot together similar to the one David and Victoria Beckham did last month for W magazine. MSN says:

Sources say a racy photo shoot will allow the pair to show off a side of their relationship that's rarely seen, with insiders explaining that while they've so far kept their public image family oriented, Katie, 28, and her husband have a strong physical side they want share with fans. "Tom and Katie really have amazing chemistry," says a pal. "They want to show the world how much." While the finer details are yet to be confirmed, insiders say they'd like at least one photo to feature them naked. "They are already planning the various photos," says a source close to the pair. "Tom and Katie want to pose together in the shower, dripping wet and covered by nothing but steam."

That's gross. I don't want to know about their 'erotic chemistry' - I just figured they did some weird Scientology crap in the bedroom, like eat the unborn or shave rabid monkeys and sacrifice them Xenu. Now if they could show us THAT in the photo shoot you'd really have something. To be honest, in my quite moments I wish they'd do it. But then again, in my quiet moments I'm Captain Piccard and saving supermodels while piloting the Spirit of St Louis.